Only Gods Can Change Stone
by Killer Zebra
Summary: Set after Lady Knight: Joren is sent as a spirit to observe Kel's life at New Hope. Then Mithros is blackmailed into putting Joren into Kel's body: hilarity ensues! J/K! Oh, and it's all Tammy's, except for the plot. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**Only Gods Can Change Stone**

**Prologue**

Joren of Stone Mountain took a deep breath, and stepped deliberately into the Chamber of Ordeal. He silently took in the room of cold steel. When he turned to look, the door was gone. He backed up to a wall and faced the room, thinking, _Is this all? Is this the best it can do?_ From the expressions on the faces of the squires who had gone in before him, he had expected something more intimidating.

Hours later, he was of a different opinion. He felt as though he was going mad; mad from the silence, from the seeing-without-light, from the cold metal walls, which seemed to be laughing. Then a voice, as ancient as the earth, spoke inside his mind: _Foolish boy. Haven't you learned yet, that sometimes the most frightening thing is the inside of your own mind? _The voice skinned him alive: it peeled back layer after layer of flesh, until his soul was exposed, with all its flaws and imperfections. The Chamber saw them, and so did Joren. This voice was never meant for human ears, and Joren screamed; you weren't supposed to make noise in the Chamber of Ordeal. It was far too late for Joren. His family never even had a body to mourn over.

**Chapter One **

He was walking down a long dark tunnel, towards the light at the end. He couldn't remember how he got here, or why, but he knew instinctively that when he reached the light he would be content, at peace. But something was tugging from behind. Something tying him to the land of the living, some unfinished task. He turned around reluctantly, and allowed the rope to pull him back. As he floated down through the layers of the firmament, he remembered who he was, and wondered what unfinished business he had on earth. He wasn't in control of where he was going; he was guided along like a puppet on strings. Only, puppets at least had bodies. Joren didn't.

It was winter in Tortall. Throughout the journey Joren contemplated the fact that he was dead. He would never see his friends and family again, until they came to the peaceful realms. He would never again feel the exhilaration of winning a sword fight, or the breathless mix of fear and freedom that came when he had 'flying lessons' with his knight master. He would never insult the Lump again, never hear her say, 'I fell down,' to the stump, her face completely emotionless. _Wait, what? Since when does that count as something I'll miss?_

But he couldn't ponder this further, because even as the thought occurred to him, he found himself approaching a fort of some sort. Then he saw the crossed-glaives-and-owl flag flying high, and the tall figure on the wall, with the wind blowing through her short hair. _Uh oh._ Confirming his fears, he seemed to slow as he neared the Lump. Then, just a few feet away, he stopped completely. _Double uh oh. _

Keladry of Mindelan, or Lump, as he preferred to call her, seemed different from the last time he had seen her; older, taller, and less carefree. It made him wonder exactly how long he'd been dead. Currently she was peering through a telescope at an approaching group of riders. Several sparrows flew up and circled, the signal for 'friends,' if he wasn't mistaken. That blasted dog Jump ran excitedly around her feet. He'd acquired several new scars since Joren had seen him last. Kel raised her head from the glass and smiled. Apparently the visitors were welcome. "Neal!" she shouted over her shoulder, "Your cousin's here with the Third Company!" The third company of the Own? And where was 'here' exactly? He glanced down from the wall to see The Lump's long time friend Nealan of Queenscove glaring up at her. Joren could hear him muttering, "Well, at least I'm still Neal. Minute Dom gets here, it's gonna be Meathead, Meathead, Meathead. Or worse, Nealan!" Neal, (or Meathead, if you prefer,) shuddered theatrically. Joren was considering the name 'Meathead' from all angles. It suited Queenscove. Apparently being a ghost had improved Joren's hearing.

He wondered, out of all the people he could have been sent to watch, why he had been sent to Kel. The Yamani Lump, his worst enemy. He realized with a shock, that she must be a knight now! She had made it! Despite everything he could do, Keladry of Mindelan had become a knight. And Joren had failed. For the first time, he wondered if there was a reason for that. If perhaps he had been wrong about Lady Knights all along. It wasn't a pleasant thought.

She turned sharply and headed down to meet the Third Company, and Joren was dragged along like a good little dog on a leash. "Dom!" she cried, and smiled, instantly looking as young as she had when Joren died. He was stunned to see _The Lump_ showing so much emotion. Blue eyes and white teeth flashed as a handsome man resembling Meathead enfolded Kel in his arms. This must be Dom.

"Hey Mother, how come _I_ don't get a hug?" Joren grinned in spite of himself as a cheerful looking man with craggy features (AN: I don't remember what Wolset looks like. Sorry!) gave Kel a pouting look. Kel laughed and said "Shut up Wolset." But she hugged him too, and before long the entire Third Company was lined up for hugs. Or at least until Neal said, "What about me?" Then they all went quiet. The Lump looked her most Lumpish, and Joren could tell that she was trying not to laugh. She cleared her throat. "Well, Tobe will take your horses; let me show you to where you'll be staying." As one, the men said, "Yes Mother." It was too much. Kel lost control and laughed.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

AN: So what do you think? Review and tell me! Constructive criticism is welcome! It's my first fanfic, so don't go easy on me, be honest. Let me know whether or not I should be banished from the land of FanFiction forever. Also, I'm looking for a beta!


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Thanks to all my B-E-A-UTIFUL reviewers!**

**Thanks to Ally-Marty, xDarklightx, SarahE7191, spazzysassyangel, elite-kunoichi, and Knyghtshade. Your reviews keep me going!**

**SarahE7191: Yes, it's set after Lady Knight.**

**Chapter Two**

Joren was enjoying the sensation of being tireless. Although if he could actually do anything other than sit and watch Kel laughing with her friends then he would be enjoying it much, much more. They were in the mess hall eating dinner. By now, of course, Joren had gathered that the Fort was called New Hope, and that some mysterious tragedy lay behind it.

He had watched, amazed, as Kel dropped in on the children of New Hope's daily glaive practice. The deadly pattern dances were beautiful to watch. Kel corrected a few stances and grips, then moved on. It seemed that the Lady Knight was needed everywhere at once. The people of New Hope respected her, looked up to her, loved her. And Joren, despite his attempts to deny it to himself, could understand why. She was always fair; she never gave her judgment unless she had heard both sides of the story. She was always willing to listen, no matter how busy or tired she was, no matter how petty the concern. And she never lost her temper. The Yamani calm that had led to her nickname 'The Lump' in her page days, was again serving her in her capacity as leader. And now it had helped her gain another name: Mother. Joren was feeling increasingly uncomfortable watching the proceedings, and wondered if that had been the Gods' purpose in sending him here.

At the mess, when Kel said sharply to Neal, "Eat your vegetables Meathead," Joren was positive that Queenscove would protest at the use of his cousin's favorite nickname. Instead, when he opened his mouth, it was just to say, "Yes Mother," and stuff his mouth full of broccoli. Kel's and Dom's mouths dropped open, and a quick laugh escaped Joren. Kel's mouth snapped shut and she glanced up sharply; their eyes met. Hers widened, and she stood up. "Joren, you're-," she shook her head, and when she looked back, her eyes passed through him once again. She sat down abruptly.

Neal looked concerned, mouth full of broccoli and all. Once he swallowed, he said, "Are you okay Kel? You look as if-" Kel interrupted, "As if I've seen a ghost?" Neal nodded. "Well, this may sound crazy, but for a minute there I thought I did." "See a ghost?" said the increasingly-fitting-the-nickname-meathead Neal. Dom snorted, "No, sound crazy." Neal was obviously confused. "Why would you think you sounded crazy?" Dom and Kel gave each other an exasperated glance, and said in unison, "Meathead."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

After dinner, Kel headed to the stables. For once Joren was glad to follow; he was curious as to what the Lady Knight would want at the stables in the darkness. Perhaps a lovers tryst? The thought made Joren uncomfortable, and he hoped that he could figure out the equivalent of closing his eyes if Kel was having _that _sort of meeting. He breathed a sigh of relief when he realized that she was only visiting the boy with horse-magic, Tobe.

"Tobe?" she called softly. Tobe poked his cheerful but sleepy face out of the hayloft. With bits of straw sticking to his hair and rumpled clothes, he made a comical sight. "Yes Milady?" Kel smiled, and for a moment she was as radiant as the Goddess herself. Joren sucked in a deep breath, then let it out as Kel said, "Tobe you buffoon! How many times do I have to tell you not to call me that? Call me Kel." Tobe grinned and opened his mouth, but before he could speak, Kel cut in again; "Actually that's what I came here about." She took several deep breaths before continuing, and Joren realized with surprise that The Lump's mask was close to slipping.

"Tobe, I was hoping- I, I was hoping that you would do me the honor, of- of calling me Mother." Tobe stared for a breathless moment, trying to ascertain if Kel really meant what he hoped she meant, then tumbled from the loft in an ungraceful heap and threw his arms around Kel: his mother. Joren, to his horror, felt a lump in his throat. Before he could remind himself that he hated her guts, he whispered to Kel, "You'll make a great mother." And she looked up, through tear filled eyes, and whispered back, "Thank you!"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Kel slept that night in the hay loft, with her arms around her soon-to-be son, Tobe. But Joren only saw the beginning of it. In the middle of the night, he was pulled from earth, and to the divine realms.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Joren was yelling at Mithros. The very _last_ thing he ever thought he'd find himself doing. "Mithros, with _all due respect_, I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SEE THE ADOPTION! Or Meathead's reaction, or if Irnai would make a prophecy, _nothing_! You can't just stick me in there for a day and then pull me out! At least tell me what happens! Please?" And now he was reduced to begging, which just plain went against the grain, even if it was to a god. Mithros, who had stayed quiet until now, listened as a tall blonde woman leaned over and whispered in his ear. She was beautiful beyond telling, she had a figure to die for, (AN: Smirks to self-) and she was wearing a very revealing crimson silk dress. Somehow Joren didn't think that this was the Mother Goddess; an assessment that was helped by the fact that she was holding a winged fat little angel-faced baby with a bow and arrow. This was Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love, and her son Cupid.

"Don't worry Joren," said Mithros, "you have friends in ah-" at this point he glanced doubtfully at Aphrodite and the smirking Cupid, "-high places. We _will_ send you back, but this time in a somewhat different form than before. Use your privileges wisely!"

And Joren opened his eyes. _Wait, I have EYES! _He had the urge to do a victory dance, but he was lying down, and something was resting on his arm. _Uh oh._ It was Tobe. They were in a hayloft, and Joren's body felt oddly proportioned. _Double uh oh. Note to self: Never yell at Mithros, EVER, EVER again. _He carefully disentangled himself from Tobe's sleeping body, stood up, and looked down to confirm his suspicion. _Mithros has an evil sense of humor, and I have boobs. Note to self: Just in case it was Aphrodite's idea, never yell at her either. I'm going to need help._

He considered; he doubted that the Gods would help him, this was probably some sort of test that he had to overcome on his own. Domitan of Masbolle; slightly too full of himself, and he didn't have the gift. Wasn't a scholar either. Joren wanted someone who was used to the impossible. Irnai? Too young; the adults might listen to her, but more likely they'd throw her and Kel's body into a loony bin. Meathead; he had the gift, he had been the Lioness' squire, and he used to go to the University, so he was certainly open to the possibility of the impossible. And even better, he had heard Kel's ghost comment yesterday. _He may be a meathead, but he's my only chance._

Joren stopped in the mess to ask directions to Neal's rooms from Fanche, who gave him a funny look and said that Neal lived in a room behind the infirmary, and was Milady feeling all right? Joren assured her that '_Milady_' felt fine, (other than being possessed by a ghost of course,) and headed toward the infirmary. He gave a sigh of relief when he saw that it was empty. He walked quickly to the back of the room and pounded on the door.

"Queenscove!" he shouted, but shut his mouth when he heard _Kel's_ voice coming out of it. It was so wrong. "Meathead, if you're not decent by the count of five then I'm coming in anyway, got it? 1,2,3-" A bleary eyed (but decent,) Neal opened the door. "Kel are you insane! Do you realize how early it is! What the *** do you want!" Joren would have laughed if the situation weren't so serious. He quickly brushed past Neal and closed the door behind him. He breathed in deeply, calming himself. He felt his/Kel's features settle easily into an expressionless mask.

"Neal, before I start, I need you to promise me that you'll hear me out, that you won't tell anyone what I'm about to tell you, and that you'll _believe_ me. I swear on my mother's grave that I'll only speak the truth." Face serious, Neal said, "I promise. Wait, your mother isn't dead! Kel, that's not funny!" Joren winced. "Actually Neal my mother _is_ dead. Kel's isn't, but mine is." Neal sat down slowly onto the bed. "What do you mean?" Joren plunged on, "You promised you'd listen, so listen, okay? You know how yesterday Kel thought she saw a ghost? Well, she did. It was me." Neal interrupted, "And who's _me_?" There was a long pause before Joren replied; "Joren of Stone Mountain."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Kel was having a decidedly _odd_ dream. She was in the Realms of the Gods, and was talking to Mithros and Aphrodite. She _wanted_ to yell, but of course she was far too sensible to do any such thing, no matter how angry she was. If she was slightly indulgent as far as the politeness of her questions went, well that's between her and the Gods.

Abruptly Aphrodite's eyes blazed with excitement, and she said, "He's told Queenscove. We can let her back now." Mithros gave a God-sized sigh of relief, grinned hugely, and said, "Keladry of Mindelan, it was, um, nice visiting with you? In any case, goodbye!" Kel was pulled away from his smiling face; she dropped down through the clouds, through the roof of the infirmary, and into her body.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

(AN: Kel's mind-speech will be in bold.)

_**Who are you and what the *** are you doing in my head!!!** _Joren jumped as Kel's voice resounded inside his mind. (AN: They seem to have different ideas about whose mind it is . . .) Then he had the unsettling experience of having words come out of his mouth- that he hadn't spoken. "Neal, what's going on? How did I end up in the infirmary? And why is there someone in my head!"

Neal simply put _his_ head in his hands and muttered, "I'm way out of my league. I'm going crazy, I . . ." At the same time, Joren and Kel said, "Shut up Meathead!" Meathead obeyed, and Joren mind-spoke, _So you finally decided to drop in did you? It's not my fault that I'm stuck in your body; the Gods put me here! Believe me, I don't like it any more than you do, Lump. _Kel was silent for a moment, then, _**Stone Mountain? So I WASN'T imagining you the other day! But hey, you tell the Gods that they can use SOMEBODY ELSE to help you fulfill your little quest of redemption, or whatever the heck it is. For Pete's sake! We're enemies!**_

At this point Joren said, _I can't exactly tell the Gods anything until I see them next, and last time I was making demands of them, THIS happened. So I don't think that's such a good idea. _Kel replied_, **Good point. Do you-** _but Neal interrupted. "Kel?" he wave his arm in front of her/his face.

"Kel are you okay?" To which Kel responded, "I'm possessed by the ghost-" "-Of a handsome and agreeable young man. I've never been better," said Joren. Were it possible, Kel would have glared at herself. Instead she said, "I'm possessed by the ghost of my worst enemy! Do you _think_ I'm okay?" _**And as for YOU Stone Mountain, how the heck are you supposed to be handsome if you don't even have a body? **_

Neal was looking confused. "Wait, which one of you has, um, precedence over ah, Kel's body? Who's really in charge?" _**I dunno,**_ mind-spoke Kel, _**Here, you step forward and I'll step back.** _They stepped forward. Kel growled in frustration, whilst Joren beamed. It was an odd combination. "I do!" crowed Joren. Neal sighed. "I'm guessing that that was Joren?" Kel nodded glumly. _**Um, Jor- I mean, Stone Mountain?** _said Kel. _Yeah?_ asked Joren, curious. _**What happens if we need to use the latrine?**_

* * * * * * * * * * * *

AN: Joren is so full of himself. I love it. R&R! Pretty Please!


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Hello my marvelous reviewers! (and the rest of you non-reviewing lamos too, I suppose.) Thank you all for your support and tips!**

**I'm going to have Kel's mind-speech in bold, so it will be less confusing.**

**Chapter Three**

After doing several glaive pattern dances, (with Kel in control, of course,) they took a trip to the mess for breakfast. Neal looked up from his bowl of oatmeal and paled, and Dom gave him a funny look. "Hello Mother! Come to make sure Neal's eating his vegetables?" Dom grinned charmingly, and Kel felt a familiar blush rise to her cheeks.

Joren was astonished. _You're blushing! You LIKE him don't you! Aaaw, idn it tweet? Dawmitan and li'l Kelawdwi . . . Dom and Keladry sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, . . . _Kel did her best to ignore him, and smiled back at Dom. "Of course! Why else? It's not as though I'm _human_ and need to _eat_, like you pathetic mortals. SHUT UP JOREN!" She didn't realize that she had said this last out loud until Dom said, "Joren? Isn't he that a**hole who kidnapped your maid in your page years? Died in the Chamber, right?"

"I am _not_ an a**hole!" cried an outraged Joren. Dom looked befuddled. "Ah, Kel, I never said you were. I said that _Joren_ was an a**hole. Are you- um, feeling all right? Neal, check her out."

Neal obediently reached out and let his emerald Gift flow over Kel, even though he knew what was really going on. He kept his head down, hoping that no one would notice that he was shaking with suppressed laughter. No such luck. "What are you laughing at Meathead?" said a puzzled Dom.

'Meathead' stopped trying to hide his mirth and doubled over laughing. "Stone Mountain! Kel-" And that was the most coherent sentence that the baffled Dom could get out of him. Joren glared. The little group paid no attention whatsoever to the funny looks they were receiving.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Joren and Kel were walking out of the mess hall when the warning bell rang. At the same time, Kel's sparrows flew up and frantically made the signals for 15 enemies. "Scanran raiders!" Kel bellowed. "Tobe, get Peachblossom ready, Dom, prepare your squad for battle, Neal, you'll command the wall top forces. Don't complain, I'm not risking New Hope's healer. Get moving!"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Kel swept up her glaive to block a particularly vicious strike from the giant Scanran she was currently trading blows with. Usually the big ones relied on brute strength to win a fight, but this one was different. He was fast, and clever at not giving away his future movements.

He feinted to the left, and before Kel could comprehend what was happening, her glaive spun out of her hand. She could only watch, in dumb horror, as the Scanran's blade rushed toward her- and was met with a clang by Griffin.

As a page and squire, Joren had always been one of the best sword-fighters in his year. Even though Kel's body upset his balance, he still held his own against the gargantuan Scanran until help came.

Afterwards, as Kel and Dom were in the infirmary, (Kel for a deep slice down her thigh, Dom just to keep her company,) Dom said, "It was so strange watching you fight that last Scanran. I don't think I've ever seen you fight with a sword in a real battle. It was almost as though you became a completely different person . . ." Joren snorted and fell over himself laughing. (AN: Himself? Is that right? This gets confusing.) _**Shut up Stone Mountain! **_mind-spoke Kel.

"Kel are you okay? You've been acting really weird today-" Dom reached his hand up and rubbed it along Kel's back, but quickly withdrew when Joren glared at him. At this point Neal interrupted. "Dom, Kel's healing has probably tired her out. She needs some rest. I'm sure you can think of something better to do than harass her . . ." Dom grinned ruefully and made his way out of the infirmary.

Joren smiled in delight. _I love Meathead. He is officially my favorite person. Even if he does have a lousy cousin. _Kel feigned shock; _**So you ARE gay! Now I know that all those years of pretending to hate Neal were only to hide your true feelings . . .**_

Joren, uncharacteristically, wasn't offended. In fact, he only grinned, and said, _Ouch! You caught me out! At least now that I'm dead I no longer have to conceal my deep and abiding love for my __marvelous Meathead. My Blossom, my Heart's Delight, my- _Kel interrupted desperately, with, _**Please stop! Mithros, you sound like Neal! You guys are such a perfect match . . . Too bad he's already betrothed.**_Joren dramatically clutched his/their chest and said, _Betrothed! My one true love! __Nooooooooooooooooo! _Kel and Joren shared in the healing laughter that is necessary after trials, then fell asleep.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Joren told himself adamantly to be bored. Be ice. _Be a LUMP for goodness sake, just so long as you don't start to care! _But it was far too late for Joren. It had taken death to bring him out of the icy shell he had live in his whole life. Death, and a little help from the Gods and Kel. He found himself drawn into the little details of Kel's life. The look of pride and joy on a child's face when Kel told him he was doing well with his glaive; a rare smile from the solemn Fanche; the feel of a newborn child sleeping in her arms, and the tired but content features of the mother.

After that incident, Joren noticed that Kel hadn't made any mind-comments for quite some time. _Kel? What is it? _Kel spent a moment being astonished that he hadn't called her Lump, then decided to be honest.

_**Did you mean what you said yesterday? About me being a good mother?**_ And what Joren said next proves that stone _can_ change. _These people love you, and they call you mother for a reason. I meant what I said. It doesn't take a scholar to figure out that you're ALREADY a great mother. _Kel, stunned, stayed silent.

(AN: Sappiness- disgusting, but necessary. Joren being un-Joren-ish is necessary for J/K fics.)

* * * * * * * * * * * *

_I am very glad that I'm not you right now, _said Joren. Kel was sitting at her desk, staring at the enormous stack of paperwork that had to be done. _**Actually you ARE me right now. Ha-ha- ha, laugh laugh laugh.**_Joren growled, out loud, and said, "Very funny Mindelan." "Isn't that what I just said?" said Kel.

"Talking to yourself Mother?" It was Dom. "It's the first sign that the paperwork's finally getting to you. The only reason you don't hear any other leaders muttering to themselves is that they're _way_ past the first stage." Dom leaned against the door frame and flashed his even, white teeth. Kel smiled indulgently. "What can I do for you, Sergeant?" Dom carefully closed the door, and said, "This," as he pulled Kel up and kissed her.

_Eeew! He's kissing us! Pull away! _mind-screamed Joren. _**What if I don't want to? You're the one who pointed out that I liked him, and I don't want to hurt his feelings anyway. And since when are we an 'us?' **_said Kel.

Joren replied, _We're an 'us' since we're a we. Wow that was convoluted. But back to the issue. He's a GUY!!! And despite many views to the contrary, I am NOT gay. _Kel shot right back with, _**Well then how come you're not taking over my body and pulling away?**_

Joren was silent. Then, _Because I wanted to let you make the choice. That's how pathetic I am. You don't want a quick fling, do you? And you don't LOVE Dom, you just like him. You say that you don't want to hurt his feelings, but if he just wants sex, then you'll turn him down, and if he wants forever, then you're just leading him on. Think about it Mindelan. _(AN: It sounds like me and my subconscious. . .)

This whole conversation had lasted only seconds, going at the speed of thought. Kel pulled away from Dom. She took a deep breath. "Look, Dom. I don't want just a quick fling, and I'm certainly not ready for something more permanent. I've liked you for a long time, but I- I'm not ready for anything more than friendship. I'm sorry." To Joren she added, _**Thanks.**_

Dom smiled, a little sadly, and said, "I understand. Friends?" "Friends," agreed Kel.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

It was very late, but neither Kel nor Joren wanted to sleep. She was sitting in an armchair in her room, trying to keep her eyes from drooping shut. _Kel, _mind-spoke Joren, _how come we aren't going to sleep?_

Nearly ten minutes passed as he waited for a response. Finally Kel answered, _**Because- **_Another three minutes passed. _**Because I'm afraid that in the morning there won't be an us. **_

There was no sound but that of their quiet breathing. _Go to sleep Kel, _Joren said gently. She wearily got up and made her way over to the cot.

_**All right. In case you're not here in the morning; goodbye,**_mind-spoke Kel. _Goodbye Lump. I'll see you in the peaceful realms._

When Kel woke the next morning, Joren was gone.

**AN: This isn't the end! Don't kill me! (Turns and runs screaming from horde of J/K fans with kitchen knives-) Sorry that this chapter is so short. Pity me, I have 6 siblings!**

**Also, I have a few ideas for what happens next, but I'd like your input. 1) Joren spends some more time in Kel after a chat with the gods, 2) Joren spends some time in Meathead AACWTG, 3) Joren gets himself a body and finally gets around to romancing Kel, 4)(Thanks for the suggestion Sangfly,) Joren spends some time in Dom. Depending on which one I choose, either this story will go on for a while longer or only have a couple more chapters. Review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Thank you sooooo much for all your suggestions and support! I love you guys! (Or rather, your reviews?) Dom's mind-speech will be in bold. (Yes, Gigi and spazzysassyangel, there will be more mind-speech. He'll get a body eventually though!)**

**Chapter Four**

Dom couldn't sleep. He'd had a busy day, and he was exhausted, but he couldn't stop thinking about that kiss. Not because he was heartbroken, but because he wondered why he had kissed her in the first place. Thank all the God's that Kel had the sense to pull away!

He was attracted to Kel, but he only cared for her as a friend. He had promised himself that he wouldn't hurt her by misleading him as to his feelings, but when she had that sweet smile on her face, asking what she could do for him, he couldn't help but kiss her. Now he dwelt on his self loathing, on what could have happened if she had had feelings for him as more than a friend.

**_I, of all people, should know that Kel isn't the type to go for a quick fling, _**thought Dom._ Yes, you should know that, _said Joren. Dom leaped up from his bed, banging his head painfully against the headboard.

"OW! Who said that!?" _Just me, your friendly neighborhood spirit-thingy, Joren of Stone Mountain, _mind-spoke Joren._ I'm getting really sick of explaining myself. Apparently you're my new body-buddy. "_I'm possessed!" shouted Dom in horror. _Well, if you think about it that way, yes, you are. Your body is exhausted. I don't know about you, but I'M going to sleep. Night-night! _said Joren cheerfully.

And to Dom's shock and consternation, Joren did. There was nothing Dom could do to stop him.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Dom woke up the next morning with a start. **_Whoa that was a weird dream,_**he thought as he got dressed. **(AN: _Dream! _Ha!)** He looked out the window and saw that it wasn't even dawn yet. It was far earlier than he usually got up. Nightmares could do that to you. **_Well, _**he thought, **_the upside of this __is that I get to watch Kel practice with her glaive._ **He proceeded to go outside to the practice courts and do just that.

Dom never failed to feel awe at the skill with which Kel handled her weapon-of-choice. It was like watching the Lioness sword-fight. She moved so fast that her glaive was just a brown and silver blur.

Ordinarily, while performing a pattern-dance, Kel had an expression of calm and concentration on her face. But today something was different. Her brows were furrowed and her lips were pursed in an expression of fierce concentration. She only looked like this when something important was bothering her.

Kel finished her pattern-dance, stowed away her practice glaive, then headed toward the mess. Even at this time in the morning there would be food out. She didn't notice her shadow until he stopped her from closing the mess door.

"Dom!" What are you doing up so early?" she asked as she grabbed a tray. "I couldn't sleep. Had a Gods-curst awful dream last night," said Dom. "Really?" Kel looked interested, serving herself some oatmeal. "What was it about?"

Dom sighed and sat down with Kel at an empty table. "It was weird. I was hearing this voice inside my head that said he was that Stone Mountain fellow you were talking about the other day." **(AN: Whoa. Convoluted.)** Kel froze, then, to Dom's shock, launched herself at him, wrapping her arms around him and squeezing with all her considerable strength.

"Joren!" she said happily. Dom struggled in vain. "Ooof! Yes, his name was Joren! Mithros, let go of me Kel!" Kel did, holding the now thoroughly flabbergasted Dom at arms length. She peered carefully into his cerulean eyes. "Joren? Are you in there?"

Dom was astonished when his body smirked and nodded, pulling Kel into a hug. He tried to speak and found he couldn't. _**So that WASN'T a dream! **_(AN: Is anyone else getting deja vu?) _**I'm possessed by some creepo who's in love with Kel! GIVE ME BACK MY BODY! **_

He felt himself wincing and pulling away from Kel, who still had a silly grin on her face. "Sorry," came out of his mouth, "Masbolle is yelling at me." "Joren! Let him go!" reprimanded the now disapproving Kel. Joren grinned, said, "Yes Mother," and proceeded to give Dom back control of his body.

"Kel! Thank Mithros! What in the realms is going on!" said Dom. "Shh! Keep it down," cautioned Kel. Dom was outraged. "Keep it down? _Keep it down! _Kel, _I'm possessed! _By some freak who was so rotten that he died in the Chamber of Ordeal! He can take over my body! He could hurt you! I'm not-" Kel ceased his tirade with a simple, "I know Dom. Shut up, or I'll have Joren make you." Dom shut up.

But it was too late to avoid attention. Dom's shouts had attracted almost the entire percentage of refugees that were awake. "What's going on Milady?" asked a worried Fanche. "Nothing, nothing," Kel assured her, "Dom's just coming down with whatever I had yesterday."

The people nodded and dispersed to their various tasks, accepting this excuse. There had obviously been something wrong with the Lady Knight the day before, even though she had claimed otherwise. Kel grabbed Dom's arm and dragged him toward the infirmary, ignoring his protests and questions.

Abruptly Dom dug in his heels, staring into space. Then he let out a whoop, grinning like a madman. "He's gone! I'm not possessed!" (AN: Gone, gone, gone! Smeagol's free! Huh?) He grabbed Kel up in a tight hug and swung her around.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Aphrodite was pacing, ignoring Joren's baffled stare. "Mithros, you are in _big_ trouble! I _told _you that Masbolle wouldn't be able to handle being possessed! But _no, _he's a _warrior, _all _manly _and _muscley,_ so he _must _be able to handle _anything_! _You owe me!!!" _She poked the terrified-looking Mithros' chest and glared.

Joren simply sat back and enjoyed the show. Apparently sibling rivalry always had the same basic principals, even between Gods. He stopped being amused when Aphrodite turned to him, eyes blazing. "You! Stone Mountain, stop acting like a cocky d*** Stone Mountain! I've gone to a lot of trouble for you, if you blow this one, I'm not gonna bail you out. Now get going!"

Joren felt the familiar sensation of being bonded to another's body.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

**AN: Neal's mind-speech will be in bold. (YAY! I luv Meathead.)**

_Hello, how's life? _asked Joren wearily. Neal, tending a child's scraped knee, didn't even start. He'd half been expecting this. **_Hi Joren, _**he replied. **_How's death?_ **Joren let out an involuntary snort of laughter. _Same old, same old. Chatting with Mithros and Aphrodite, possessing random people, getting kicked in and out of said people's bodies like there's no tomorrow . . . You get the picture._

Neal grinned wryly. **_How'd you end up in me instead of Dom? _**Joren replied, _Well, Aphrodite wanted to put me in you, and Mithros wanted to put me in Dom. Mithros won, or at least he did until Dom proved Aphrodite right by having the manly version of hysterics. What do you call that?_ **_Hysterics,_**said Neal. Then contemplatively, he added, **_Kel thinks you've changed._**

Joren was startled, and he felt a touch of warmth at the thought of Kel and how glad she had been this morning to find he wasn't gone. He considered Neal's words, thinking about the person he had been when he was alive. Cruel, vindictive, a bully, and on the brink of becoming something worse. He examined his self of the past few days, and decided that he vastly preferred the new Joren. _I think that I've changed too._

_* * * * * * * * * * * *_

**AN: Nothing really happened in that chapter. Just moving in and out of bodies. More will happen in the next chapter, I promise! Review! Tell me what I'm doing right and what I'm doing wrong. I have updated twice in one day, I deserve it! (Only maybe I shouldn't be making demands. You're the ones with the kitchen knives; cough_pheonix_coughcough.)**


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: Greetings my lovely reviewers! (With or without knives . . .) Um, here's your next chapter! Tell me if it's lousy.**

**Chapter Five**

**Before Neal is possessed. (AN: Before Neal is even _awake_.)**

While Dom danced her around ecstatically, Kel was feeling the sharp pain of loss for the second time that day. She hadn't thought that she would miss someone that to all intents and purposes she hardly knew, so much.

Kel smiled weakly at Dom when he pulled back to grin into her eyes. "Well, that's over with. I suppose I should go update Meathead on the possession situation," she said. Nothing could wrench Dom out of his euphoric glee, but he still noticed something odd about this comment. "Update? But Meathead never even knew that there _was _a possession situation."

Kel hurried to cover up her mistake. "Oh yeah! Weird. Um, I'll just go tell him what happened then! See you!" She quickly trotted away from the bemused but still cheerful Dom.

_"Neal!" _Kel walked into his room without so much as knocking. "This situation is getting out of hand! Everyone in New Hope will have been possessed by the time the Gods are through!" "Huh?" Neal poked his nose out from under the covers and, seeing who it was, turned over and went back to sleep.

Kel put her hands on her hips. "You _know, _since you don't want to talk to me, maybe I should go write a letter to Yuki. Share a few stories from our page days. I might remem-" Neal was awake and out of bed before you could say 'shukushen.' "I'm listening Kel!"

Kel smirked. "Good. Joren is gone-" Neal whooped, but quieted under Kel's glare. "_As I was saying, _Joren left, but not before briefly possessing Dom. So it's possible that he might come back." She couldn't suppress a small happy smile at the thought. She wondered why it made her so happy.

"What are you so happy about?" asked Neal, echoing her thoughts. Kel, to her own astonishment, had to prevent a blush from rising in her cheeks. She despaired on ever understanding matters of the heart. Now she had a crush on a _dead _guy. Who used to be her worst enemy. It was hopeless.

Kel couldn't think of any good excuses for her smile, so she just said, "Nothing." Neal gave her a knowing look. "Kel, remember our page days? Hazing, insults, weighted lances . . . nothing good ever came from Joren of Stone Mountain." So much for Kel's mask. Apparently Neal saw right through her.

"I honestly think he's changed," said Kel stubbornly. When her thoughts caught up with her, she realized it was true. "There's not much you can hide from someone you're sharing a body with." Neal still looked doubtful, so Kel said, "I may be a girl, but I'm certainly not gullible. Trust my judgment Neal."

Neal sighed. "I do trust your judgment Kel. It's just that even Wyldon admitted that girls can fight once you proved it. I can't imagine Stone Mountain ever- _changing."_

Kel grinned. "Well, you have to concede, even Stone has to change when the Gods get involved." **(AN: Yay! Finally the _Gods _line.)**

* * * * * * * * * * * *

**_After_ Neal is possessed.**

Kel was finally getting around to eating her breakfast, (only it was more like brunch now,) when Neal walked in, whistling cheerfully. He grinned when he saw her. "Greetings Keladry! Any more hysterical soldiers for me to heal?" Kel smiled back, wondering why she had such a meathead for a best friend.

"Nope, not yet. How's Dom?" Neal laughed. "Still insanely cheerful. He didn't even balk when I fed him tea." Kel feigned horror; "Oh my gosh! He must be deathly ill. Or maybe he's got premature Alzheimer disease and he's forgotten what your tea tastes like."

Neal grinned wickedly. "Or maybe the tea was so horrible that his mind just blanked out the awful memory- you know, like post-traumatic whatsit syndrome, or whatever."

Kel looked up from her food to raise an incredulous eyebrow at Neal. It wasn't like him to insult his own precious healing tea. "Since when do you agree with the general population on the overwhelming awfulness of your tea?"

Neal was scowling. "I don't! That's- mhnthp- grrr." "May I ask what a mhnthp is?" teased Kel.

"No, you may not," said Neal, pretending to be offended. "Okay," said Kel meekly.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Kel was certain that Neal had been avoiding her all day, but she hadn't yet managed to corner him to find out why. She was currently huddled in a niche along the west wall, watching the sun set. **(AN: Come on! The sun sets early in winter.) **

Naturally, she was surprised when Neal approached and sat down next to her, stretching out his legs and gazing at the sunset, not glancing at her even once. She turned to face him, ignoring his obvious wish for silence. "Neal, I've been trying to talk to you all afternoon. You're obviously avoiding me. What's going on?"

He glanced down, avoiding her searching gaze. She put her hand on his arm gently. "You can tell me anything Neal. What's wrong?" Finally he met her gaze.

For a moment, she didn't see Neal's green eyes. Instead, she saw icy blue, boring into her soul. Her breath caught; she didn't resist when Joren pulled her into his arms and pressed his lips hungrily to hers.

Kel didn't know how long she returned his kiss, her breathing ragged, before she realized that she was kissing _Neal. _She pulled back violently, shoving him away. "_Gods! _You're not-_ Neal! _You're _married! _What the h*** do you think you're doing!"

Neal looked just as horrified as Kel did. "Kel I'm sorry! It wasn't me!" That caught her attention. "What?" He rushed to explain. "It was Jor- mhpn. Aaah!"

Suddenly Kel understood. "Joren! Why in all the realms were you making Neal kiss me!"

"Why were you kissing him back?" retorted Joren. "Because I thought he was-" she quieted hurriedly. "Because . . . what?" asked Joren.

"I thought for a minute that he was someone else," said Kel quietly. "Why didn't you tell me you were with Neal?"

Joren, accepting her excuse, ran his fingers through his hair. (AN: Or, Neal's hair?) "I don't know. I guess I thought it would be easier if I was just here and gone and you never knew." Kel made an exasperated noise. "Easier for you or for me?"

Joren turned to answer, but went rigid. "Are you okay?" asked Kel, concerned. After a few minutes, he relaxed. "Joren's gone," said Neal. He was to absorbed in his own musings to notice how pale Kel went, or the muttered excuse she made as she hurried away from the wall.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

**AN: Whoa. That was way harder to write than my other chapters for some reason. I kind of meant the Neal/Joren kiss scene to be funny, but it didn't end up that way. Review! I absolutely _loathe_ writing kiss scenes, so be grateful and review! Please? I'll try 'n update again tomorrow. (If this was seriously wrong, tell me. I could always change it. If not, tell me what should happen next!)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Merry Christmas my Jolly reviewers! (Owen is Jolly!)This one's for confuzzledlilpheonix. After some consideration, I decided that I needed to get back to the good ole days of more laughs less making out. So, um, thanks for all your reviews you guys, (actually I doubt that any of you are guys, so, you _girls_,) and here's the next chapter!**

**Chapter 6**

Joren was getting _extremely _tired of sharing bodies with people. It made him look fondly back upon the days when he had his _own. _So naturally, when he got kicked out of Neal and saw Mithros' all-too-familiar face, he was predisposed to be _very, very _P.O.'d.

Joren crossed his arms and glared, paying absolutely no attention to the voice of sense at the back of his head that was telling him that glaring at a god probably wasn't very smart. "So who's body am I sharing this time? Fanche? Tobe? _Peachblossom_?"

Mithros looked interested. "Actually that's not a bad idea." Then he sighed disappointedly. "Maybe next time. First, Joren, I'd like to say that I'm very sorry. This wasn't my idea." Joren was immediately suspicious. This didn't sound so good.

Mithros continued apologetically. "Sayuko suggested it, then he, Kyprioth and Aphrodite sorta ganged up on me . . . I didn't really have a choice. It won't be for forever though . . . After all, Aphrodite's plan would never work if you were a girl."

And Joren opened his eyes. _Note to self: never leave offerings at Sayuko's shrines. _He sat up and examined his surroundings. He was in a snowy clearing in the forest; a frozen spring lay a few feet away.

Joren realized with pleasure that he recognized this scene, it was only a couple miles away from New Hope: he'd seen it when he'd been in Kel's body. He shivered, automatically glanced down, then looked away immediately, a fierce blush rising in his cheeks. He was a _woman._ A very _naked_ woman. _Not to mention very cold, _he thought.

There was no conceivable way to get clothes before going to New Hope. He'd have to let everyone ogle. He shuddered at the thought, promising himself that if he ever got himself a male body again, he would _never_ stare at women.

Joren walked briskly toward New Hope, but he was shocked when after walking just a short while, his lungs started to burn. This body was so _weak_. He found himself stopping often to rest, even though this caused him to grow even colder than he already was. By the time the fort came into view he was blue with cold.

As he staggered forward, he wondered with a grim sort of amusement what signals the sparrows could use to describe a freezing, naked woman tottering alone towards New Hope.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Joren had been right: they ogled. His sympathy for the female sex grew by leaps and bounds every time a new face gaped over the wall. He heard a distant voice calling for Lady Kel. When _her _face peeked over the wall, the ridiculous looking griffin-feather band on her brow, she appeared horrified.

"Wolset! There is a _freezing, naked, _woman out there, and somehow I doubt that she would be able to take the fort down by herself. What were you thinking? Let her in!" The soldiers rushed to obey- the Lady Knight could be very intimidating when she wanted to be.

The solid wooden gates slowly creaked open. As he stumbled in, he was met with blankets and Neal's healing magic examining him for injury. Joren could hear Kel and Fanche arguing about whether to question him or let him eat and sleep first.

Apparently Kel won, for as soon as Neal proclaimed him healthy, but in need of rest and nourishment, he found himself ushered into a cozy little room with a bed and a fire, and served hot soup from the kitchens. He had yet to speak a word.

He had no appetite, but as soon as he spooned the first bite of soup into his mouth, he found that he was ravenously hungry; he devoured the rest as though he hadn't eaten for weeks. **(AN: Considering that his new body has only existed for less than a day, that's sort of impossible . . .)**

Joren set his bowl aside with a contented sigh, ignoring the young girl that Kel had sent to keep an eye on him. It was a welcome relief to have his head to himself. He made his way over to the bed and lay himself down wearily. The last thing he saw as he slipped off to Ganiel's Kingdom was the plain wooden ceiling above him.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Joren fought his way up through the heavy shroud of sleep, and opened his eyes to see Kel's dreamy hazel eyes hovering above him. "She's awake!" Kel called to someone behind her. It took a moment for Joren to realize that 'she' was _him_.

"Kel," he croaked. She wore her mask in the presence of an apparent stranger, but her eyes looked startled that he knew her name.

Joren pushed away the last lingering grogginess of sleep; he felt refreshed and clear-headed. As he observed her calm features, he remembered what had happened _last _time he hadn't told her who he was. Not wanting a repeat performance, he decided to inform her."Kel, it's me, Joren."

Kel dropped her mask and gasped, "Joren! Holy Mother Goddess, who's the poor girl you're stuck in?" He smirked and laughed a little. "There isn't one. This body is _all _my own." Kel's mouth dropped open; before she could gather her thoughts, Neal cut in. "What's going on?" he asked innocently.

Joren somehow got the feeling that Queenscove's feelings toward him at this moment probably weren't exactly chivalrous, considering the whole kiss-Kel-gross-I'm-married thing. So, with a meaningful glance at Kel, he said, acting for all he was worth, "I don't remember. I don't remember _anything _before coming here. I don't even remember-" at this point he paused for effect, trying to appear as confused and frightened as someone truly in this situation would be; "I don't even remember my own _name_."

Neal looked appropriately horrified and sympathetic. "Poor thing," he said. Kel raised an eyebrow at his tone and smirked. He sounded like a doting old nursemaid. Joren was playing Neal for all he was worth; he looked close to tears. (AN: Knowing Meathead's sensitive nature, they probably both were. ~smirks to self~ Speaking of which, my jolly reviewers; lol is overrated, sts is jolly. So use it.)

Kel, playing along with Joren's I'm-so-innocent-and-confused act, said, "How are you feeling? I know you've been through an awful ordeal, I can't imagine what it must be like to have no memory at all. Is there anything I can do for you?" Joren wearily shook his head.

"I feel so _weak,_"he said. This was true. He had never tired so easily before, in any of his bodies. Kel smiled gently, but there was a wicked gleam in her eye. Perhaps she guessed his thoughts.

"You just haven't recovered from your jaunt in the forest yet. I'm sure you'll be right as rain as soon as you get some rest." She patted his arm reassuringly, and added, "Neal, let's give this girl some peace and quiet. She's obviously not fully recovered yet."

As they walked out the door, Neal gave her an odd look. "What was that about Kel? You were acting so _strange_." Kel glanced at him disdainfully. "Just because I don't usually act like a woman doesn't mean I'm not one. I was just showing some solidarity. She's all alone in the world right now."

Kel was satisfied. Neal looked appropriately abashed and contrite; he didn't say another word until they parted ways, and even then it was only a muttered goodbye. Kel grinned, slowly, at his retreating back. This was going to be fun.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

**AN: Jolly! Huh? Um, anywho, sorry I didn't update when I said I would. My sister is a slave driver! I was _very, very _busy. Helping her drive slaves. (laugh, because it's funny.) If you guys (ahem, or _girls,)_ have any ideas for the next chapter, please let me know! And have a jolly Christmas! (I will be having a jolly time hunting some un-jolly bandits. I've got all the jolly luck . . .) ~Killer Zebra**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello again my splendiferous reviewers! I'm running out of compliments! How inflated your egos must be. OH! He-he. Um, not that that's a bad thing- (ducks a thrown kitchen knife. Shouts, 'Wait! You can't kill me, I have a chapter!' reviewers go silent and lower kitchen knives . . .) Of course, that's only my imagination. In real life you would probably stab me and steal the documents off my dead body . . . Not to be morbid or anything. Here's chapter seven!**

**Chapter 7**

Joren spent his first week in his new body recovering: from a 2 mile stroll through the woods. Of course, in an effort to be as pessimistic as possible, **(AN: APAP! ~sts~ )** he always neglected to add 'naked,' and 'freezing,' to 'stroll through the woods.'

He found that, although he had had his share of dalliances in the past, he still felt uncomfortable when he bathed or used the latrine, even though it _was _his body. When he confessed his discomfort to Kel, he only earned himself a laugh; and he couldn't exactly confide in anyone else without also telling them the reason _why. _

The first time that Joren saw his new face in the mirror, he was stunned. He was now just the sort of woman he would have chased after back when he was alive. **(AN: That sounds _so _messed up.) **He was tall for a woman, although still much shorter than Kel, he had a figure to rival Aphrodite's, and wide, slightly slanted, innocent-seeming fey green eyes; rich dark hair fell in waves down to his waist.

He was enormously relieved to find that he wasn't attracted to himself. That would be- _awkward, _to say the least. He saw the admiring looks that the men of the fort gave him, and knew that that might have been him once. This knowledge didn't prevent him from nearly puking every time a pair of goo-goo eyes was directed at him though.

Speaking of eyes, a certain pair of cerulean ones were looking toward Joren far more often than was reasonable. He prayed fervently that no one, especially Dom, would try something ridiculous like kissing him. At least he knew the perfect line to use: '_I'm sorry, but I'm not ready for anything more than friendship.'_

He smiled a little bit at the memory. He was beginning to think that he preferred sharing a body with someone to being _female_. Abruptly the thought occurred to him that, in her page training, Kel had had it _sooo _much worse. Largely because of his efforts.

He had been so stubborn, so set in his beliefs. So willing to relieve his own discontentment with life by causing pain to others. He was an idiot, and it got him killed. For the very first time, he actually felt gratitude toward the Chamber. It had taken him away from the world before he could do more damage. Or at least it would have if the Gods hadn't gotten involved.

Everyone had swallowed his memory loss story whole. Everyone, that is, except Fanche. Something about the way she regarded Joren, and spoke to him, made him believe that she knew he was hiding something. She still seemed to like him well enough, though.

Joren found himself spending more and more time with Meathead and Kel. To his surprise, he soon became fast friends with both of them, even though Neal didn't know his true identity. Neal was the one who started calling him Elf, commenting on his new body's fey features. Joren had never really had _friends _before. Cronies, allies, but not real friends. He flourished now more than he ever had in his former life.

When he set up a small personal shrine for Mithros, Aphrodite, Sayuko, and Kyprioth, it somehow felt right. He completely ignored his former notes to himself. **(AN: Totally random question, has nothing whatsoever to do with this fic: What is it with me and Kitchen Knives?)**

* * * * * * * * * * * *

On the eighth night of Joren's stay in New Hope, he woke up with soiled, wet sheets. He was shocked, when he discovered that the wetness was _blood_. He fought hard to keep his panic contained, but his hands trembled as he used the bedding to wipe himself as clean as he could.

He had meant to head towards the infirmary, but found himself seeking out Kel's room's instead; she was the only one who knew his secret.

A bleary-eyed Kel opened the door; however, there was nothing bleary about the dagger that she held to his throat until she realized who he was. "J- Elf! Come in. What's wrong?" she said with concern as she held open the door for him.

"I don't know! That's why I'm here," he explained. Kel's alarm and bafflement increased. Joren continued, "I woke up and I was all covered in blood! I could be dying or something! I don-" Joren stopped speaking when he saw Kel grin.

"Well I'm glad _someone _gets enjoyment out of all this. Care to explain?" he asked, giving Kel a glare. Kel's grin only widened. "You're bleeding, ah, here?" She gestured. Joren nodded, blushing a little.

Kel said, "Well then, let me reassure you: you're most definitely not dying. You're having your menstrual cycle." Joren gaped mutely. Finally, he said, "Wha- _what?_" "Your menstrual cycle. You _do _know what PMS stands for, right? Or did you just think of it as that-mysterious-whatever-that-makes-chicks-act-weird? Pre-_menstrual_-stress," said Kel.

Joren groaned, "_That's_ what this is? _Monthlies_?" Kel smirked and nodded. "When this happened to _me_ my mother gave me a pregnancy charm. However, I sincerely hope that _you _won't need one."

The look on Joren's face was absolutely priceless.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

**Midwinter, part 1**

_If I have to be polite and flirt with ONE more soldier, I am going to kill myself! If only so I can get to the divine realms and strangle Sayuko, _Joren thought grumpily to himself. It was Midwinter and he had already been approached by several men with offers to dance; or, depending on how drunk the man was, hints at something more amorous.

Kel and Neal were both out dancing, laughing cheerfully, so Joren was left standing alone at the edge of the firelight. Alone, but certainly not ignored. Nearly every young, unmarried man in the fort was keeping an eye on him, and many also who were neither.

Joren ignored their suggestive glances; he had gotten used to them after the first few weeks. He thought about his life at New Hope; it had taken him such a long time to find his niche. The only things he knew were what he had learned as a male. He didn't know how to sew or cook, and he was too weak to wield a sword or spend all day mucking stalls. He was miserable for the first few weeks until he found his place. Quite by accident, Joren discovered that he had a talent for childcare.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

He had been hovering around Kel as she wrote reports, feeling quite useless, when a young woman with a year-old baby on each hip came in. Kel smiled and greeted her as 'Miranda.'

Kel introduced Joren, as 'Elf,' but he said little. It was mostly Miranda speaking, replying to Kel's queries of, 'How are the twins,' 'the husband,' 'the sister,' 'the dog,' etc. Miranda was in the middle of a splurge about 'the chickens' -Joren wasn't sure whether she was serious or not- when a little girl about 10 years old burst into the room, red-faced and breathless.

"Janine!" Miranda said. Joren recalled that Janine had been the name of 'the sister.' "What-" but Janine breathlessly interrupted. "Miranda there's somethin' wrong with Tomas!" (the husband) "He just collapsed on the floor- you got to come!" cried the distraught girl.

Kel quickly took charge. "Miranda, go to your husband. Janine, fetch Sir Neal and tell him what's happened. We'll take care of the twins." They nodded gratefully and hastened to obey. With no ceremony whatsoever, Miranda handed one pudgy baby girl to the surprised Joren, and one to Kel. "This'n is Kat," she informed Joren. Then she hurried out the door.

Kel was concerned for Tomas, but that didn't prevent her from enjoying the sight of Joren awkwardly holding baby Kat, who looked as though she might protest her mothers departure. "Haven't you ever held a baby before?" she asked, amused. Joren shook his head nervously, trying to find a way to hold the child that was comfortable for both of them.

By the time Miranda came back with the news that Tomas was fine, Joren was competently entertaining both children while Kel worked further on her reports.

Apparently Tomas had had a mild heart-attack, caused by a blood clot that Neal had now dissolved. He would have to take it easy for a few days, then he would be fine. But now Joren had found something that he was good at. He wasted no time in volunteering to work in the nursery; no matter how unmanly it was.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

**Midwinter, part 2**

Dom interrupted his reverie, with a flirtatious, "Hello, milady Elf. Would you care to dance?" Joren wondered what made Dom think that he would be more successful than the last zillion men who had asked. "Thank you Sergeant, but I don't believe that I'll be dancing this evening," he said softly. **(AN: I'm sorry, I just had to interrupt with an AN. This whole he/she business is really messing with my head. 'He' had his period. 'He' 'said softly.' It's way weird.) **

Doms smile flickered a little. "Such a lovely lady shouldn't hover in the shadows all night. Especially not at Midwinter! Come out and have some fun," he cajoled. Joren shook his head and sighed with frustration. Dom was so much more likable when he wasn't trying to flirt with you.

Perhaps if Joren were blunt, Dom would get over the whole flirting phase and act like a normal human being. "Look, Dom, I'm not interested in you, or any other man at New Hope. It's not that I don't like you, I just don't _like _you. I'd like to be friends; but I definitely don't want to dance." Joren smiled to soften his words.

Dom was startled, but he recovered quickly, and he seemed to take Joren's words to heart. He pretended to be grief-stricken. "Alas! Alas my heart shall never recover from this terrible blow!" he cried. "More like your ego," muttered Joren. He was glad though. This was the side that Dom had shown Kel and Neal. Dom heard his comment and barely suppressed a grin. He sighed mournfully.

"Oh well. When you elope with your secret love-who-is-not-from-New-Hope, I'll give you my blessings, though it shall break my heart to do so." Joren chuckled; although, coming from his feminine lips, it sounded more like what you would call a giggle.

That night, Dom joined Joren's list of friends.

**AN: That's the closest I'll ever get to a Christmas fic. I think that I'll have Joren get his _own _body back soon, but I want your input. Review! Tell me if you liked it, hated it, were bored to tears, etc. This chapter didn't really have that much Kel in it. Weird. **

**~Killer Zebra**


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: Greetings my non-lugubrious reviewers! Huh? I was wondering, do any of you listen to Dashboard Confessional? They're an acquired taste, but they're amazing! My favoritest band. He-he, um, you guys are also my favoritest, of course. Just not a band. Is anyone else in love with the words 'lugubrious' and/or 'copasetic?' Here's your next chapter! Prepare for non-funniness to the max. Unless of course you're like me, and the end of Gladiator makes you laugh hysterically. Then this will be very funny.**

**Chapter 8**

It had been nearly six months since the Gods had sent Joren to New Hope in the body of a woman. He was currently pondering the perversity of the pursuit of happiness, and of life in general. Just when he had begun to feel content in his new place in life, he had an epiphany that knocked his fragile peace of mind out the window: Joren was in love with Kel.

It was so simple, so beautiful. The feeling, that is. The situation was anything _but_. He was dead, stuck as a woman, and her former worst enemy. The whole thing was absolutely wrong. _So _wrong.

Since his earth-shattering revelation, every day had become a torture for Joren. He had to see her each day, see her laugh, see her _live,_ and know that she would never be his. He knelt at his shrine every night and prayed to 'his' gods that they would end his suffering.

Life continued as usual at New Hope, despite how different he felt. He attempted to act natural, and mostly he succeeded. No one noticed, although he caught Kel looking at him with concern in her eyes a couple times. Perhaps she was more perceptive than he knew.

The only event worth commenting on was actually a lack of it. There had only been three Scanran attacks since Joren/Elf had come to New Hope. He hated having to watch his friends and his love ride off to battle while he stayed home safe. His respect for females grew every time he had to face a new trial.

He had also become friends with several of the young mothers of New Hope, having met them through his work in the nursery. He couldn't help but wonder how his life here would have been if the gods had sent him in is own body. He probably would never have met these women.

The fourth attack came late in Joren's sixth month at New Hope, around dinner time. Kel, Joren and co. were, naturally, in the mess when the alarm bell rang. Everyone ran to their respective posts. Joren battled with himself. He couldn't do any good; it would be foolish to watch, but this was the very temptation that he was struggling with.

If he watched from the wall, he wouldn't be in the way. He could stay out of danger behind the battlements . . . He never consciously made the decision. He merely found himself moving toward the east wall.

Joren watched as the people he loved marched out of the gate to face over twenty enemy Scanrans. He completely ignored the attempts of archers to convince him to leave his vantage point near the gate. He was relieved when Kel's force made quick work of the Scanrans, with no casualties on their side. The triumphant group crowded back toward the fort.

He rushed down off the wall to greet them, wondering why he couldn't shake this strange sense of foreboding. He embraced Kel tightly, frightened by the feeling that this would be the last time. Eventually he stepped back, but as he turned away, he noticed, with a sudden cold horror, a Scanran archer who by all rights should have been dead, rise up and aim at his target: Kel.

He watched as the arrow flew through the air, unnoticed by any but he, and he did the only thing that he could: jumped. And as the pain shot through his body as he took the arrow meant for Kel, he knew that the Gods had granted his prayer: soon now he would be in a place where there was no pain.

Kel screamed a horrified, "_No! _Joren!" He heard it faintly, as if from far away. He fought the darkness at the edges of his vision so that he could see her tear-stained face more clearly. Every breath he took sent agonizing pain through his chest.

"Get Neal!" screamed Kel, then she bent down over Joren again. He mustered the strength to speak. "No, Kel. It's my time to go now." Her face was as pale as a sheet. "No," she whispered. "No."

Joren smiled gently. "Tell Meathead and Dom the truth. And tell them I said I'm sorry, and goodbye. I'm sorry that I have to leave you." This last comment was only for Kel. With his last strength, Joren whispered, "Goodbye Lump. I'll see you in the peaceful realms." He had hoped to get one last smile out of her. It was too much to ask for; her grief stricken face was the last thing he saw before he slipped away to the Black God's realm.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

He was walking down a long dark tunnel, towards the light at the end. He couldn't remember how he got here, or why, but he knew instinctively that when he reached the light he would be content, at peace. Finally he was there. The Black God waited with open arms, he exuded peace and contentment. But when the God came forward, it was only to turn him around, and pushed him towards the tunnel he had just left. _Go. Your life is not yet finished._

Joren opened his eyes, and stood up. The Chamber said, _You have passed the test, and become who you must be in order to live. I have held your life in safekeeping for six years, and now you may finally go forth as a Knight of Tortall. _

That voice was never meant for human ears. It stripped back layer after layer of flesh until his soul was exposed. It still had flaws, it still had darkness, but it was the good soul of a good man.

Joren stepped out of the Chamber, his muscles stiff from disuse. He supposed that first he would go to the king, to swear fealty. What a shock everyone would get! _Six ye__ars. _The eighth bell rang out.

**THE END**

**AN: Kidding! Hahahaha! Review! Whoa. Kitchen knives! Pitchforks! Maybe I should go . . . Sorry that this was such a short chapter. This was just the best place for it to end.**

**~Killer Zebra**


	9. Final Chapter

**WOW. This story is almost finished. (wipes tear and sniffs) Actually, originally I only had Joren possess Kel for one day and then went straight to the chamber scene. It was ridiculous, short, and pathetic; I hope that I've fulfilled the potential of this story more fully now. I can't believe this! I'm feeling nostalgic! (sighs) **

**Chapter 9**

Everyone said that Elf's eyes were green. Kel knew better. Their true color was blue, ice blue; the color of a winter sky. When Joren of Stone Mountain's piercing blue eyes closed for the last time, and he left the mortal realms forever, he took Kel's heart with him.

She didn't notice when the Scanran archer who had shot at her collapsed, his strength consumed. _I am stone, _she told herself. Hollow, empty stone, but stone nonetheless. By the time Neal ran up, his face concerned, Kel's mask was firmly in place.

Neal went pale when he saw the still body in Kel's arms. When he saw that she had her mask on, he knew. He didn't have any Yamani training to fall back on; all the pain and rage he was feeling showed clearly on his face. "What happened?" he asked hoarsely.

Kel looked up with no expression in her eyes. "A Scanran archer. He shot at- at _me, _and Elf jumped in front. He's dead now." She remembered Joren's request. "He said to tell you he's sorry, and goodbye." Neal was still processing the idea that _Elf_, Elf with the sardonic grin and bizarre sense of humor, was dead. "He? The archer?" asked Neal, puzzled.

"No," Kel murmured, "Joren." Neals mind went several months back, to the possession fiasco, and he said, "Elf was possessed by Joren?" Kel laughed brokenly, although her face was still expressionless; she shook her head. "Elf _was_ Joren. He wanted me to tell you."

Neal was stunned. Even through his own grief, he could see the raw pain that Kel was feeling now. He lowered himself next to her and put his arms around her. It was the last straw: Kel's mask was shredded beyond repair as she sobbed into Neal's green healers tunic. For no matter how much she wanted to be at that moment, Keladry of Mindelan wasn't stone.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

**two months later**

Sir Joren of Stone Mountain rode toward New Hope with a company that included Yukimi of Queenscove, the Baron and Baroness of Mindelan, as well as several of their children, Sir Raoul of Goldenlake and Malories Peak, Buriram of the K'mir, Sir Merric of Hollyrose, Sir Wyldon of Cavall, Sir Owen of Jesslaw, and Sir Alanna of Trebond and Pirates Swoop. **(AN: Heck of a lot of 'Sirs.')**They were going to New Hope to witness the official adoption of Tobias Boone by Sir Keladry of Mindelan. The simple ceremony, originally practiced by the Bazhir, was to be performed by Alanna.

A month earlier, when Joren had stepped out of the Chamber for the first time in over 6 years- there had been no uproar. He had given a condensed version of the events since his ordeal to their majesties King Jonathan and Queen Thayet, and they had agreed to keep his 'resurrection' quiet.

After a small, private Knighting ceremony, and an update on the major events that had passed in the palace since his 'death,' Joren had gone about setting his life to rights. He found out what had happened to his old cohorts Vinson and Garvey, and he thanked 'his' gods every day that he had been given a chance to redeem himself.

He had met Meathead's precious 'Yamani Blossom' and found that he liked the short, sharp-witted Yamani. She knew little of his story: only that he had been in the Chamber for six years, and was changed irrevocably by it. When she was invited to Tobe's adoption ceremony, Joren told her that he had been planning on going to New Hope anyway, and would it be acceptable for him to travel with her?

It meant that he would have to wait another few days, but truthfully he was nervous of meeting all his friends again. Especially Kel. With most of the barriers to their relationship removed, he wasn't sure if he would be able to hide his feelings. _Gods_ he missed her.

His nervousness had mounted to an all time high by the time the gates of New Hope swung open to receive them. He knew that it was Kel's custom to greet visitors as they came in. A breath that he hadn't realized he'd been holding rushed out when he realized that only Neal was there to greet them.

"My Blossom!" cried Neal as he swept Yuki up in a tight hug. Yuki, however, noticed that something was off. She asked quietly, "What's wrong Neal?" Her husband's face briefly tightened in pain. "I lost a- a good friend, recently. I'll be alright though. I'm so glad you're back." Neal pulled Yuki close once again, while she murmured words of comfort into his ear.

Joren hated to interrupt, but the sooner Neal knew that he was alive, the sooner his pain would be taken away. Neal's words, 'a good friend,' gave Joren hope that he could be forgiven for his deceit. He swung down from his mount. "Hello Meathead," he said quietly. Neal, his arms still around his wife, stiffened: when he looked up, his eyes were wide and startled. "_Elf?_"

Joren smiled, a little hesitantly, while Yuki glanced curiously between the two of them. "I never got to say goodbye," he offered as an explanation. Neal stared in silence. Then finally, he dazzled them all with his intellect by saying, "_Joren?_" Joren couldn't help it: his careful smile turned into a smirk.

As this latest insanity finally sank in, Neal grinned back, to Joren's intense relief. "_JOREN! ELF! WHATEVER!_" He leaped forward, leaving poor puzzled Yuki and the rest of the entourage staring in his wake, and crushed Joren in an impressive bear hug. Joren, to his horror, found that his eyes were blurring; when Neal pulled back, his green ones had a suspicious shine as well.

"How are you alive?" asked Neal. "Are you alive for _real_ this time?" Joren grinned, nodding. "Well, I was never actually dead. Just- ah, disembodied. The Chamber had me this whole time." Neal nodded, still beaming.

Alanna finally had had enough. "Excuse me Sir Joren, _Meathead_," she directed a glare at her cowering husband, "but would you care to explain what exactly is going on? I was under the impression that you two weren't exactly the best of friends?" She drifted off suggestively. Everyone nodded, then looked expectantly at Joren.

Joren said, "I had some encounters with the people of New Hope while the Chamber had me, um, disembodied. I actually possessed Neal for a bit. We, um got over our differences." He smiled apologetically.

Yuki's mask wasn't quick enough to hide the brief expression of startlement that crossed her face. **(AN: I'm pretty sure that 'startlement' isn't actually a word. Oh well. Who cares?)** "Well," she said, and paused. "I'll have Neal explain the full story to me later. It sounds- _interesting._" Neal gulped. Then he yelled abruptly, "Goddess! You haven't seen Kel yet! She hasn't been the same since you died- we've got to tell her!"

"Let's stable the horses first," said Joren. At the mention of Kel his irrational fear had come back full force. Neal reluctantly agreed. "We can take the horses in and hand them over to Tobe," he said. Joren nodded. **(AN: Random AN. There is a bodiless angel hanging from our tree. It is staring at me; I don't like it. I think that one of my nieces must have pulled its body off. Ahem, continue reading.)**

They found Tobe conversing with Peachblossom. He turned around to greet them, but suddenly stiffened. "What!" he said out loud to Peachblossom. He abruptly rounded on Joren. "Peachblossom says that you're _Elf._" Raoul chuckled wearily. "Apparently he _is_," said Raoul. "Neal greeted him like he was back from the dead, which apparently he _also_ is." He shook his head and, handing his horse's reins over to the stunned Tobe, stalked out of the stable muttering about crazy dead people and possessions. The rest of the company followed suit, with the exception of Neal and Joren.

Joren stepped forward and grinned at Tobe. "Hullo. Happy to see me?" he asked teasingly. Tobe was shaking his head in disbelief. "But- but you're a _man!_ And you're _alive!_ It doesn't make any sense!" At this point Neal cut in, with, "What does? Nothing that I know of. Hmm, anyway let me explain this nonsensical situation." And he proceeded to do just that.

Tobe was amazed. "_Whoa_. So you were a guy that whole time? And no one knew?" he asked. Joren replied, "Kel knew, but that's it. It was- _difficult,_ to say the least." Tobe smiled. "I think I can imagine, _Milady,_" he added mischievously. Neal laughed helplessly. Joren growled in mock anger and said, "Peachblossom! Bite him!" Peachblossom simply gave them all a bored look, as if to say, 'And I should do this, because . . . I love you so much?' Tobe directed a smug grin at Joren.

When Neal had recovered enough to speak, he said, "Tobe do you know where Kel is? We've got to give her the good news!" Tobe was much more observant than Meathead, and it didn't escape him how Joren immediately went pale at the mention of Kel. "I believe that she's writing a letter in her room," he answered. Neal thanked him, and he and Joren headed on their way.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Kel sat at her desk, staring at the blank sheet of paper in front of her, but she didn't really see it. What she saw was a pair of icy eyes, pale skin, baby-soft blonde hair- she shook herself out of the daydream. She was in no mood to be self-indulgent. It was so easy to get lost in her memories of him though. She recalled that she had been writing a letter to someone before she started daydreaming. A letter to- _uh, um. Oh crap. I can't remember. I am so scatterbrained_.

Two months ago that would have been the last word that Kel would use to describe herself. But a lot could change in two months. A lot could change in two minutes. _Ice blue eyes fluttered shut for the last time . . ._

Kel shook herself angrily and after a moment of thought, remembered that she was writing to Anders, who wouldn't be able to make it to the adoption ceremony. She set quill to paper and began to write. Eventually she sat back and closed her eyes; she would finish the letter after the adoption, and describe the ceremony for Anders.

Kel heard the door creak open. Without opening her eyes, she said, "Meathead, how come I can't teach you how to knock? Or if I failed, the Lioness should have gotten it. I fail to underst-" she opened her eyes, startled, when a finger was placed over her lips to silence her. Neal had wisely left Joren alone for his meeting with Kel. Hazel eyes met ice blue.

"Am I dreaming?" whispered Kel. Joren looked at her, and realized that he had been absolutely right to be frightened. There was no way he could resist those eyes. He removed his finger from her lips and replaced it with his mouth. She froze, to stunned to do anything but let him kiss her.

He had expected this. He had expected to lose control, to forget all sense when he saw her. What he hadn't expected was for her to respond. When he started to pull away, she broke out of her shock to whisper, "No. Stay," and bring him back.

When they finally broke apart, gasping, Kel asked again, "Are you sure that I'm not dreaming?" Joren laughed breathlessly. "That depends. Is it a good dream?" Kel nodded vigorously. Joren bent down and kissed her again, gently. "No. It's not a dream. I'm alive, and I plan to stay that way."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Alanna pressed Kel's and Tobe's bleeding forearms together. "Two as one!" they recited. Even Giftless Kel felt the magic flowing through her as the ceremony ended. Tears streaming down her cheeks, Kel gathered Tobe close in a long hug, then turned, smiling, to face their friends and family who had come to watch the ceremony. She bent down to Tobe and whispered, "What do you think about getting a father soon?"

**THE END (For reals this time. :D)**

**AN: OH. MY. GIDDY. AUNT. It's over! Waaahaaah! And I had people smooching. _My fave!_ Yeah right. Thanks you guys so much! I couldn't have kept going without your support and, it's sad but true, flattery. Flattery will get you everywhere. Review! And again, THANK YOU! ~blows kisses madly left and right~**

**~Killer Zebra**


	10. AN: Sequel

**AN: Hey people! Just wanted to let you know that this fic now has a one-shot sequel called 'The Cheesy HappilyEverAfter Thing.' Because I _believe_ in cheesy happily-ever-afters. R&R!**


End file.
